drive my car

I don't cry a lot for a person who has a disorder that causes deep depression. Sometimes, though, it comes in short bursts like these summer rains we have been having, brought on by something that overwhelms me & then passes. Usually this happens while I am driving. Yesterday afternoon I had what I call a drive-&-cry. I went to pick up my Seroquel refill. From January through May it cost me $40. When I picked it up in June, it was $81. I was told I was in the "gap" which means once my med costs reach a certain amount, the insurance company pays less. Then yesterday I had to pay $186! For 30 days worth! Now keep in mind that I take several other meds which also have gone up. As I thought about the budget I can not get to an affordable place no matter what I cut out, I felt overwhelmed & hopeless. And, yes, sorry for myself. I don't usually allow that but in those short bursts, sometimes I just have to feel it & let it wash away while I go blubbering down the highway.
So, if you see a driver in a little red Honda with the windows down & sunroof open sobbing to the Beatles, Counting Crows or any number of other artists, just let her get it out, regroup & press on.

proud mary

Well the sadness continues but the pull toward ending it all, something I've made clear I now know I will not do, has lessened. I even gathered all the energy I could & headed to the grocery store, something I have put off for days. Thus the "proud" in this post name. Unfortunately, I tried to eat three different things for a late lunch & couldn't finish any of them. I am not a picky eater & as an emotional eater, I tend to eat more than I should but lately my tastebuds seem to be having a problem. A lot of things taste like they have perfume in them or in some other way just aren't right. Maybe it's one of my meds. I don't know. I guess throwing most of my lunch away isn't such a bad thing. I certainly can stand to lose several pounds.
Ahh, it's raining. Thinking about going out on my patio & letting it wash me clean, take away this sadness. I'll let you know if it works.

harder to breathe

Again, I disappeared for a while but here I am with no promise for tomorrow. Sorry but that is the best I can do.
I try to write honestly but with a lighter tone even though mental illness is not really a light, funny subject. Today, however, I don't have a laugh to share. The darkness is suffocating & the pull to drift away to nothingness is so great I have to keep reminding myself that nothingness does not exist. Nothingness Does Not Exist! I am either here or in another place. I have to be patient. I have to wait until the day God chooses to be my last here on earth & as much as I wish I could know that magic number, I don't get to. I close my eyes & envision Him trying to comfort me with all the hurt of any parent longing to ease the pain of their suffering child. I imagine Him telling me that He has such indescribable joy waiting for me in the future & that the time I spend trapped & often tortured by this cruel disorder will blow away & it will be as if it never happened. It was only here for a moment. All of my issues, physical & mental, will be nothing.
Yes, I love my friends & family. I adore my son & my grandsons are my heart. I know they would be sad & would suffer if I were no longer here, especially if I chose to leave them. I don't want that for them. I also don't want to see them suffer because of my illness. I have never understood why people want their loved ones to hang on no matter how much pain they are in, no matter what their quality of life. Love me enough to want it to end for me! And yet, I am still here & will be. They won't live on wondering what they could have done to save me, feeling guilt or anger. I will admit, I do feel anger sometimes,  knowing I have to wait until someday for this to end.
So meanwhile, I wait. For this to pass. For me to start breathing again. For me to become alive enough again to try to be encouraging to someone else. To have purpose. To perhaps be beneficial to someone in a way that would never have happened if I had chosen for today to be my last day on earth. Because even though I have free will, that is a choice I have given back to the One Who gave it to me. Still waiting...   

girls like me

I think Mary Chapin Carpenter & I could be best buds.  Here is just one song that makes me believe that.

GIRLS LIKE ME

Girls like me aren't hard to find
We grow like roses on the vine
And wear our hearts on our sleeves
You probably know a girl like me

We live alone & in our heads
We eat standing up or in our beds
Guilt & fear merge easily
In the quiet souls of girls like me

And loneliness is like a cold
Common & no cure we're told
We take to bed perchance to dream
In the blue light of the tv screen

Girls like me like summer light
A cold beer on a summer night
And boys who aren't afraid of what they see
Inside the eyes of girls like me

And hopefulness is like a drug
It makes a girl believe in love
And if somehow you love us back
We think there's something wrong with that

Girls like me aren't hard to trust
Your deepest secret's safe with us
And when it's time to set you free
You can always count on girls like me
It's good to know a girl like me
You used to love a girl like me

Thanks for sharing, Chapin!
dj

closer to fine

Today I...drumroll please...got up, took a shower, washed my hair, got dressed, put on makeup (!) & left the house.  Ta da!  And it isn't even Sunday!  I try not to give myself a choice on Sundays so I will make it to church but I am not always successful.  To do something today that I could have put off until tomorrow was a big victory for me.  I am a big putter-offer.  But today I went to pick out three birthday cards & a card for someone who lost his dad.  It takes me forever to find just the right card so I was there a while.  My pain issues were making my whole body scream at me from standing  but I finally found what I was looking for.  Then, believe it or not, I went to a second store after resting in the car for a while.  That almost never happens.  I was looking for a certain gift for my grandson & flagged down a women to help me.  We looked at different things & talked & laughed & it came so easy.  When you consider that I often go through the grocery store with my head down & "Leave me alone" on a continuous loop through my brain, chatting with a stranger is huge.  Well, actually it is so much more the real me, the me that I usually feel I have lost forever.  I did come home without finding what I was looking for - my dilapidated body refused to make another stop - but it didn't matter.  I had ventured out into the world & lived to tell about it. Closer to fine.

dj

long time gone

Wow.  I can't believe it's been six months since I checked in here.  Well, maybe I can.  When I decided to write a blog, I could only commit to it by not actually committing to it.  I told myself that as long as the words flowed, I would write.  Otherwise, no big deal.  No pressure.  No stress.  Stress is the enemy.  Well, not the only one but a biggie.  For me, & I am sure for a lot of people, it causes panic & often the onset of depression.  And, hey, I can be sucked down into that darkness without voluntarily adding to the stress of mere everyday living.  But regardless of that pact with myself, one of my dark passengers, Guilt, rears his ugly head from time to time.
I really wanted to use this thorn in my side to reach someone who may think they are alone in this struggle, something I received from Miss Anna, Patty Duke, as mentioned in an earlier blog.  Is there someone out there hurting?  Will my words reach them?  I have never written a blog &, truthfully, I am not exactly sure how it works, where it goes when I send each entry on its way.  Maybe into a black hole, never to appear on anyone's screen but mine.  In my absence here, I have tried to reach people another way so I guess I haven't totally disappeared.  At my church I am the depression point person.  If someone approaches a staff member asking for help with their own darkness, they are given my phone number.  It doesn't happen often.  The stigma attached to depression is overwhelming & I think that is often more true for Christians.  We are supposed to be counting our blessings & focusing on God & others, not feeling sorry for ourselves.  I will say it again - it doesn't work that way.  I know I am blessed to overflowing.  I know this is only temporary.  Better days are coming.  But right here, right now, I have a battle on my hands.  Or, should I say, in my head.  I did get a call from someone suffering a few days ago.  She doesn't go to my church, which is totally fine but I am not sure how she found me, & we talked for 45 minutes, my words flowing from a higher place.  Sounding relieved, she hung up after we made plans to meet next week.  I pray for the words to help arm her in this struggle.
So, I didn't disappear because I did myself in.  I just had nothing to offer.  Anytime I do, I will drop in to say so.  And if I am just talking to myself, that is okay.  I have become really good at that.  And sometimes I even answer.

dj

time after time

Sometimes I think we have tried every medication in every combination.  I know every individual's chemistry is different.  I also know nothing works forever.  Several years ago I was on a very large cocktail of drugs that made me feel like the "real me" again.  It lasted for a couple of years & it was glorious!  Then it stopped working.  Since then we have been trying different things at different dosages but I can't seem to quite get back there.  I have been on Lithium, Effexor, Cymbalta, Abilify, Depakote, Klonopin, Trazadone, Latuda & Lamictal among many others.  That last one worsened the clumsiness I normally have (me & gravity, we never could agree) & I fell...and fell...& fell.  Down stairs onto concrete, out my front door onto the driveway, off my shoes (which are always flats) & in my bedroom, face-first into a wooden rocker resulting in two black eyes.  The doctor who checked me out that day couldn't help but laugh.  Thanks, buddy.  I don't know what other side effects medication has caused.  I have gained weight, had severe headaches (though they may be from clenching my jaws at night), had problems with my eyes moving back & forth, been nauseated & had shifts in appetite.  Also my hair has been falling out for several months.  A few days ago I had to have it cut off just below my ears & that was a huge change.  While the woman who cuts it worked & talked she kept throwing things out there like "Boy, I can see lots of spots on your scalp!" &, when she brushed it before cutting, "Boy, look at all this hair that just came out!"  Makes a girl feel pretty.  Oh, & now I am told I have irritable bowel syndrome which is causing me more problems than all the others put together.  They say it is from stress & not medication but I worked a high stress job long before these symptoms showed up.  What I want to know is how my body can do that & not turn me into a toothpick?  Note that I didn't even mention all of this in my entry on dating or rather the end of dating for me.  Guess if I wrote this one first, that one would not have been necessary.  Who wants a heavy, bald woman with a headache & stomach cramps that double you over?

I guess I said all that first part to say this.  Finding the right treatment for you can be an excruciating, long experiment.  You try something & it takes several weeks or more to see if it is going to help.  And if it does, when it stops helping, you start all over again.  And you do start all over again.  Because this illness is not our fault but we do have a responsibility to keep trying.  To take meds as prescribed, when prescribed, even if you think they are not working or if you start to feel better.  Especially if you start to feel better.  To see the therapist & psychiatrist & be honest & ask questions.  If they are not the right fit for you, go somewhere else.  You have to trust & be comfortable with your doctors.  They have to listen & take you seriously.  Take part in your treatment.  You are the only one who really knows what is going on inside your head.  And to keep trying.  To hang on, even when there doesn't seem to be a reason to keep trying. Maybe you will see a glimmer of one later today or tomorrow.  Better times are ahead...eventually.